I SWEAR NONE of you will understand

You know, she told me I'm definitely capable of doing much better, because I'm able to argue my points out and they're rather good sometimes. That's when I'm not actually scribbling or falling asleep. She said I am lazy and don't want to put in the effort. She isn't the only one who said the same thing, and if you've been reading, you should know I'm not trying to brag.

I feel so stressed out by her, and her. I know they're concerned but.. I really, really won't be able to miraculously soar with their little talks.

I just feel frustrated that..my mind won't allow me to concentrate.

Truth be told, it really isn't because I'm lazy. Or distracted by the computer, or these external distractions. I can jolly well say I will NEVER be able to concentrate even if you put me in an empty room with my books. Its not like I CHOOSE not to concentrate, its just that all these things in my mind are bothering me so much that I REALLY CANNOT concentrate. Paired with that dumb neurotic perfectionist in me who refuses to accept ugly paintings in the first stages..sigh.


I think about all these questions, my brother says they're phases in life. Immature or mature ones alike. Just that I might think more than other people do, and some don't even think at all. There's nothing wrong or right about thinking or not, its just like that.

Perhaps the problem is that I don't know how to get them off my mind when I need to. I admit that. That's my fault, I also hope somebody can help me. Right now, nobody can.

I said I wanted to quit and start afresh next year. But I guess that isn't possible because they wouldn't allow me to. & I'm not brave enough to convince them. I think I'm willing to bear the consequences but I'm still afraid, I guess. Yeah, I'm such a coward, I should just do what is best and bear all the consequences.


What do I do now? Somebody, tell me.